Seems like an odd title, but one that I thought appropriate. After being married for some time and working with couples I wondered why I wasn't asking this question. I know as a married person, there can be a lot of emphasis on not arguing or having disagreement. That seems burdensome. Couples fight, disagree and get frustrated with one another. If you've been married for any amount of time this is not a new concept. I believe there are healthy and unhealthy ways to argue. Let me give you some questions to think about and use to evaluate how you argue with your husband or wife: Unhealthy ways of arguing
Healthy ways of Arguing
Take time to consider these questions. A married couple's goal is not to avoid arguing or fighting, but to listen to one another, acknowledge feelings, look to understand and reconcile as much as possible. This is for the Christian who suffers from anxiety and depression and feels the need to hide as well as for the Christian who has never experienced such an affliction. Anxiety affects 18% of Americans ages 18 or older (NIMH, 2014) and depression affects 6.7% of Americans ages 18 or older (NIMH, 2014). What does anxiety and depression have to do with Christianity? Christians get anxious and depressed. Whether your views are that anxiety and depression are a sin, a result of sin, a medical condition, spiritual oppression, stubbornness, chemical imbalance or manipulation, these disorders are very real and can significantly impair how a life is lived. Christians will often suffer with anxiety or depression in silence because they fear what they will be thought of by the same people they go to church with. They fear that they will be broken down, analyzed, put under a microscope and told they are the cause for their struggles. They begin to think and believe that because they are not seeing any progress, that God is angry with them, they don’t have enough faith, or they are stubborn to their “sin”. I believe we live in a fallen sinful world, that everything around us is infected and affected by sin. Anxiety and Depression can be the result of just that, living in a broken world. As Christians we go to church to worship God, to be in fellowship with one another. Church is the place where you get to hear about a good and great God, about his grace and mercy through the cross. Unfortunately for some, that grace is not felt from their brothers and sisters in Christ when it comes to their mental health. As a body of believers we must consider how we help those, love those who suffer with invisible afflictions. Mental Health and psychology are complex loaded topics, but ignoring them, casting them aside, dismissing them will not produce growth, will cause division and worse yet marginalize those who are already on the brink of hopelessness. Every Christian person is unique and at a different place in their faith with Christ. Struggling with anxiety, and depression are all difficult to treat, require understanding, lots of patience, grace and love. I am thankful that there are individuals that understand the human mind and know how to treat it. I view this as God’s grace. Christians, Pastors, Leaders, Churches love your brothers and sisters and know that there is a strong possibility that they are fighting a dark battle that has raged on for years and they are not winning. Have understanding, grace and compassion for their suffering. Get education on anxiety and depression, use that with the love of Christ to love those that are hurting. Over the last three years I have had the opportunity to sit with married couples, listen to their concerns and provide counsel. Issues have ranged from mistrust to problems with sexual intimacy. Each person in the relationship comes to counseling for different reasons, but the outcome is always the same, they are hurt and want to be heard. As a therapist, my goal is to assess the severity of the relational problem/s and prescribe a specific course of treatment, much like a doctor would for a physical illness. Keep in mind what I am writing here is more experiential, rather than a data driven researched-based piece. Many of the couples I see face a vast chasm of separation that has slowly occurred over the many years they have been together. Whatever relational equity they had at the beginning has been spent and they find themselves fighting to not find reasons for divorce. In my experience, I have found that it is not common for couples to one day wake up and say they want a divorce. The decision to divorce is usually a long and arduous one that causes lots of anxiety and depression. Couples have to consider their children, social relationships, finances, etc., when looking at dissolution. By the time a couple makes the decision to go to counseling it is often too late, the damage has been done. In fact I will hear from these same couples that they had been thinking about counseling for months, but other things got in the way. Marriage therapy is hard and often times messy. Each marriage is different and the individuals in it come with unique baggage. I want to offer, what I feel are three components to a successful marriage. I’m sure there are equally important components out there, but based on my experience here are three. 1. Sacrifice (time)-I chose the word sacrifice because I believe it embodies a selfless perspective. Webster’s dictionary defines sacrifice as “the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.” Marriages are symbiotic, they need two spouses to survive, but more importantly they need two spouses that are looking to meet each other’s emotional, mental and physical needs. A question to assess your level of participation in your marriage is, what gets your time (devotion) or how much time do you give to your spouse? Does your spouse get 100%, 75%, 40%, 5% of you? This is an important area of evaluation, in that many spouses will feel rejected by the other based on how much of them they get. 2. Communication-There is lot that is said on communication and what is considered healthy. If you want a scientifically data driven approach to marriages consider reading John M. Gottman’s “The Marriage Clinic”. What I can say definitively, is that each person in the marriage has feelings and wants those feelings acknowledged. Acknowledgement of your spouse’s feelings is often where they begin to respect you. Humility is another important communication tool. Ask yourself the question, “Can I admit when I am wrong and my spouse brings that to me?” If you and your spouse were to begin looking at how to rebuild communication in the marriage consider starting with acknowledgement of each other’s feelings and showing humility. 3. Physical touch (sexual intimacy) - Sexual intimacy is a vital part of a marriage ecosystem. If the ecosystem is not functioning like it should the marriage dies. Sex is a sacrifice, that both spouses need to be in agreement on. Likewise there are reasons a married couple would take a break from sex, but they are often agreed upon as well. Sexual intimacy requires trust, honesty, vulnerability and commitment. In my experience, I have seen a lot of damage come from a spouse who refuses to have sex with the other. Ask yourself the question, “How do I approach sexual intimacy with my spouse? Is it about meeting my needs or their needs?” My hope in writing this piece is to provide practical help that can have a positive impact on your marriage. Consider the three components I mentioned above along with their questions as I believe them to be critical to the health and success of a couple’s marriage. Christian Bringolf MA LMHC Relationships are essential and critical to who we are and how we develop. They are the vehicle by which we can love, be loved, be heard and give. Relationships don't operate on a formula (2+2=4) as the people involved are simply more complex than a numeric value. Making a relationship successful is often about sacrifice and understanding. I use the word sacrifice, because when you care for someone you are willing to put your needs aside and put their needs over yours. This word “sacrifice” illustrates this act. By sacrificing in your relationship you are saying to the other, “You are worth it.” The opposite of acting from a sacrificial place is to act out of obligation or selfishness. While you may still be genuine in what you are offering to the other in the relationship it carries a very different context. Evaluate, ask the question, “Am I acting out of sacrifice or am I acting out of obligation. Relationships are meant to bring joy and meant to be enjoyed.
You ever know someone who has an anger problem? It seems like their anger is always right there at the surface? That they are going to blow any minute and it is impossible to be around them?
Ever know someone with control issues? They always have to have the last word, be right, control every situation they're in. If things don't go the way they want they will do everything they can to make sure they get their way. I believe that control is at the core of anyone who has "anger problems". Anger is just the manifestation of not being able to have control. You want to deal with an anger problem, address the desire to have control first. Good parenting doesn't always mean you are keeping your kids constantly going, giving them lots of experiences and giving them what they want. That stuff is all fine and good, but is more the icing on the cake and less foundational to what makes you a "good" parent.
Husbands be mindful of the journey you take your wife on. Pay attention to the path you lead her down. Your wife, in many ways has put herself aside to stand next to you. She has committed to be a part of your world, to be involved in your world and to support you in your world.
Husbands be mindful to not be selfish as your world is no longer just your own. Share yourself, share your interests, be real, be humble. Your life involves more than just you.
Husbands be mindful of your words as they will cut deeper than any knife will ever cut. Be gentle with your actions as they will mean more than any box of chocolates or flowers could ever mean. Show grace, because it's not easy living with you.
Husbands be mindful that your life is not your own. That what you have, what you've been given is a gift. Husbands be a friend to your wife, love your wife, serve your wife. A blueprint for communicating.... 1. Make an effort to be interested in the person you're talking with. 2. Do not process your emotions over text message 3. If you have something serious or important to discuss, don't do it over email. 4. Make time for whoever your talking to (this makes the other person feel special). 5. Talk in person or at minimum over the phone. 6. Respect the fact that other people may need more time to work through an issue. 7. Acknowledge the other person's feelings. 8. Don't have the goal of making whoever it is you are communicating with see your perspective. (This comes across as controlling) 9. Don't try to fix, unless you're asked to, and even then tread lightly. 10. At a minimum LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.....don't always be the one with the last word. Crisis happens to all of us. It is draining and exhausting. Crisis will often test what we are made of, will test the limits of what we can handle, and will force us to respond. Crisis doesn't always mean something bad has happened, but it often means you are placed in a situation of tremendous pressure. When I think of crisis, my experience is limited to my life and what has happened thus far. I have read about horrific events in the news and seen devastation in the lives of friends around me, but those crisis have not been mine. Recently, I experienced a crisis. My daughters were playing in the backyard when I heard my youngest scream in pain. I knew that she wasn't crying because she wanted something, she was hurt. I ran outside and what I saw was my youngest daughter's finger caught between the chain and gear of her bike and had partially severed it. I was faced with a crisis. How do I get the bleeding to stop? I need to get my daughters in the car and to the hospital. I need to remain calm. I got to find a parking space at the hospital. I need clothes for my daughter. I got to stop the bleeding. Will her finger be able to be fixed? I have to keep everyone calm. These were all thoughts that ran through my head. Thankfully, the doctors stitched up her finger and it will heal 100%. That being said, I had a choice in that moment of crisis to run, to shut down, become angry with my oldest daughter, etc; Yet I knew Jesus cared and that was able to give me strength to face the crisis and respond accordingly. Jesus is God who is no stranger to crisis. I have often thought about what did Jesus feel in the garden of Gethsemane the night before He was crucified? I can only assume tremendous anxiety and yet His strength did not just come from within himself, but from God the Father. We have a wonderful God, who seeks to know us, help us and weather the storms of life, crisis, big or small. Your crisis is relevant to you, but ask the question, When crisis hits, who do you trust? It's inevitable, at some point you will feel inadequate. Did you do enough? Did you do the right thing? Did you do wrong, again? Did you say something stupid? These are all questions that at some point we all think about. Understanding what inadequacy is and where it comes from is important, especially if you're someone who feels worthless much of the time. Inadequacy is a feeling that comes from comparisons. Maybe you work with a co-worker who always gets their work done faster than you. Or you have a family member who seems to get more praise because of the work they accomplish. These situations can drive us, if we're not careful, to compare ourselves to these individuals, tear ourselves down and feel inadequate. The next step in dealing with inadequate feelings is to know your limits and strengths. Maybe you can't do as much as the next person or maybe you're doing too much and you need to slow down. Whichever the case may be, you're not less of a person for only being able to do so much. Finally, are you someone that is very self-critical, has a low opinion of yourself, constantly seeking approval from others? Ask yourself, "What is my identity rooted in?" Have you ever had a moment in your day or week where you look in the mirror and you just don't like what is being reflected? Maybe you hate the fat on your stomach or it's not defined enough. Maybe you have liver spots on your hands. Maybe you're losing your hair or your eyesight is going. Whatever it is, you've made a mental note about some physical attribute that you consider ugly or undesirable. I have heard friends, family and clients all say, "I just need to be ok with how I look" or "I just need to love my body" Those are nice sayings, and well intentioned, but in my opinion they are just that and nothing more. Asking, "How do I love the body I was given?" may be a better question to start with. Loving your body starts with an understanding that it, your body, was created by a God that tremendously loves you. Another question that you can ask, "How do I find beauty in my physical features I find ugly?" Can beauty be found in what you can consider ugly? By asking these questions, you begin to take steps forward to actually loving the body God gave you, instead of being disgusted by parts of it. Making time to hold your kids can be difficult and sacrificial to do. It interrupts your life and makes you focus on something other than yourself. It would be much easier to give your kid an iPad so they will go away and not bother you. This morning I was up earlier than normal when my daughter heard me moving about through the house and decided she would get up too. She came and stood next to me. Without saying anything, I knew she wanted me to hold her. I put down what I was doing and held my 2 year old daughter on my lap for the next 15mins. My daughter doesn't always understand the words that I use because she is 2, but she does understand that her daddy loves her when she is held and hugged. I thought to myself, what an interesting lesson. Children are shaped by what their parents say and do, often times it is more the latter. Having parents that hug and show physical affection to their child can make the difference in how they grow and develop. Words of encouragement, affirmation and admonishment are all important, but often times giving hugs and being physically present is more healing, reassuring and meaningful, especially to your little ones. Adolescents/teens: are incredibly perceptive of how others may view them. This is why identity is such a significant topic for this age group. Mistakes will happen. Give them opportunities to express their feelings. Show them they are still loved. Create a culture of redemption and forgiveness. Giving verbal affirmation and encouragement. This helps them feel good about their self when they accomplish something or anything Ask questions. Be involved in their life. Show them you care by creating structure and boundaries as well as allowing for independence. Teach them, don't control them. I have spent the last 8 years working with children, teens and adolescents. I love working with these groups because there is so much opportunity for them to become fully functional caring loving adults. As a parent, you cannot see your role as lesser or diminished because you make lunches, pour cereal, or change diapers. You will never do anything more important with your life than taking on the role of mother or father. Shepherding, guiding a child's heart is hard, messy, exhausting, painful and rewarding.
I will often get the question, "Does my kid need counseling?" This is a question that has to be answered on a case by case basis. I have found that when parents receive coaching and support that changes how they parent and ultimately their child doesn't need counseling. When a parent can consider the ways in which they talk with their kid, play with them, provide them attention, that trickles down to their child and will either have a negative or positive effect. As a child therapist, I look to identify challenging behaviors and what needs they are meeting. A child doesn't just act out for simply no reason; there are reasons but we just don't know them yet. The mistake that parents will make is assume their child is being manipulative and defiant or that they as parents had nothing to do with the influence of "bad" behavior. Another mistake parents will make is become too punitive, this reinforcing their child's challenging behavior. Being a parent is never fluid or formulaic. That being said, below I've outlined four areas that I think are necessary for all parents to consider when interacting with their child, adolescent or teen, regardless of bad or good behavior. 1. Be Consistent-make sure your kids hear the same message over and over again when they show challenging behavior. More consistency, means more change. 2. Be Reasonable-Kids can often sense when they are defeated and there is no chance for redemption. Set boundaries for challenging behavior, give opportunities to earn back privileges. 3. Be Encouraging-Give lots of verbal praise when your kid does something good and when they choose not to do something bad. 4. Be Forgiving-It is important as parents/caregivers to not revisit your child's history of making mistakes. Forgive, by doing this you set a precedent and help your child create a healthy personality. I would encourage any parent, person or couple that is thinking about becoming a parent to read up on being a loving positive influence in their child's life. A good place to start is, "Parenting with love and logic". This book will provide language and new parenting concepts to consider. Finally, be willing to put yourself under the microscope for the sake of your children. Are you a talker? Do you spend more time listening to what others have to say? Are you passive-aggressive? Show little emotion in conversation? Are you passionate in how you talk? Are you a hostile communicator? Do you have lots of "walls" up when talking with loved ones? Whether you communicate with you words, silence, actions or body language, the way you choose to communicate says a lot about who you are. Questions to consider: What kind of communicator are you? What do you get out of your communication style? How do you benefit? How is your communication style improving the relationships in your life? How is it disrupting your relationships? Why are relationships important? Within the context of mental health, relationships are critical. Relationships give us a sense of belonging, being needed, having worth, value and dignity. When you or someone you know is wrestling with anxiety, depression or anything else, it is important to know that you are worth something, that you do have value and that you are not simply the sum of your symptoms. A good relationship will impart these concepts to you. A good relationship will help you feel worthwhile, valued and as a human being...not just a psychiatric disorder.
Spending a lifetime dealing with anxiety or depression can be tiring enough, spending a lifetime dealing with anxiety or depression without good relationships around you can be exhausting. Do you have good relationships in your life? If not, why not? If you do, how did you make that happen? Can you be a friend in someone's life that treats them with value, dignity and worth? I challenge you to ask these questions to yourself and think about who you can support in your life, because chances are there is someone in your life, closer than you think, that is wrestling with anxiety and depression. I recently had the opportunity to experience what my wife goes through on a daily basis being a stay at home mom.
Over a 3-day period I have had to entertain my kids, prepare them lunch, break up fights, not be able to give them what they want, clean and organize the house and take care of various other responsibilities. It is so frustrating to have to load and unload your kids from a minivan, especially if you only have to run into a store for a couple of minutes.
It's increasingly taxing to have endless amounts of patience with your kids when they are tired, hungry and cranky and all you want to do is throw some junk food at them so they'll be quiet…for a few minutes. I now understand why my wife will stay up late at night after a long day with our kids….it's peaceful, no one is demanding her attention.
I've always known that my wife has worked hard to maintain our kids schedule and I've even tried to empathize with other moms that I have some idea what their day can look like. It's one thing to take care of your kids for an hour or two as a dad and a completely different thing to care for their needs, household projects, chores, meals, etc over a 3 day period.
The best way I can sum up what my wife does daily is "sacrifice" and this is what I've learned about being a mom:
Moms are amazing and nothing short of a blessing. Take a second and tell your wife how awesome a mom she is or tell your own mother how much you love her. |
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