The Sensitive Child

Having a sensitive child is not a bad thing, but it does require a different parenting approach.

I work a lot with children on their emotional processing.  Parents will bring their kid in for counseling because they feel they aren’t showing enough emotion.  Depending on the child’s age may offer a clue into their emotional development.  A 5 year old will display less complex emotional processes than a 9 year old.  Can you label the 5 year old as “emotionally unavailable” or as having an emotional deficit? 

No. 

Likewise can you say that the 9 year old has a good handle on his/her emotional processes and is “emotionally stable.”

No. 

In addition to developmental stage, it is also important to look at a child’s emotional processing through the type of parenting they are getting and the life events they have experienced.  
Sensitive children have a heightened sense of the world around them.  They will often show tremendous creativity and be deeply affected by others emotions.  They hold onto criticisms for a long time.  They will often seem like nothing is wrong with them and then they “blow” like a volcano when their internal world becomes too much for them.

Being a parent to a sensitive child can be very tiring, but no less rewarding than having a child whose emotional state doesn’t appear to be as tumultuous.  Your child is not broken. You are not a terrible parent.  Your kid doesn’t have a behavioral or emotional disorder.  Your child requires a different style of parenting and love.
All children thrive under safety and structure.  Children need to know where the limits are, what the rules are, what the consequences are and what choices they can make within these parameters.  Some children naturally are able to talk about their lives, what they like, what’s bothering them and so on.  For the sensitive child, it is difficult expressing themselves with words, because internally it feels like chaos.  Children are in the beginning stages of their emotional development, so keep that in mind when working with your sensitive child.

Children need to see their parents process their own emotions.  Parents are the first teachers that children have.  Parents model relationships, teach values, and instill beliefs.  It is significantly important that children see their parents’ emotional spectrum (happy, sad, mad, etc.) for at least one reason, it is ok to be emotional.  The movie “Inside Out” did a great job illustrating the importance for all emotions.  Near the end of the movie, what the young girl needed to feel was sadness and she needed to see that her parents still loved her and that she was safe to feel sad.  This brought about healing.

Parents need to provide their children with the language to describe what they are feeling internally.  This is especially important for the sensitive child.  The sensitive child will not intuitively know how to describe their feelings.  They will bottle them up and stuff them down creating more internal chaos on the inside and painting a picture of “everything is ok” on the outside.  As a parent you need to allow for more patience with your sensitive child. Get down on their level, show them they are safe, and give them examples of when you felt sad or upset.  Respond in patience, gentleness and kindness.

Sensitive children will respond to the environment they are in. An environment that promotes lots of emotional processing will encourage this type of child to better understand their feelings. An environment that discourages the display of feelings and emotions will encourage the child to retreat inwardly to interpret their own feelings.   
All children are different and process their world differently.   Ask the questions, “Do I have a sensitive child?”  “Have I given them the language they need to express themselves?”  Do I provide a model of healthy emotional processing for my child?” 

There are many resources available on the internet with regard to this topic. One such book that may be worth considering is “The Highly Sensitive Child”. 

I love having dialogue on these topics, please feel free to post a comment on my blog.
 
Thanks

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