When to Report Child Abuse

Reporting child abuse of any kind is certainly a difficult topic. Identifying what passes for abuse can be an even harder one. I have heard stories in the past where a care giver was unsure if what they were seeing constituted “abuse”, so the abuse went unreported. Another reason why abuse may go unreported, is because a family may be trying to protect the perpetrator who happens to be another family member.
Understanding why its important to advocate for children, especially in abuse situations will be helpful in reframing your views on reporting child abuse and child advocacy. Children often lack the ability to advocate for themselves due to emotional and psychological development. When abuse happens in a child’s life it interrupts their emotional and cognitive development. Children are often placed in situations and scenarios they don’t understand, because a parent or caregiver forced them there and by forced, I mean did not factor in their opinion on the matter. Abuse in a child’s life leads to a higher probability that they will have anxiety, depression and possibly other psychiatric symptoms. So understanding that children are unable to advocate for themselves in ways that adults are, should help in changing your perspective on early reporting.
Secondly, understand that when you report you are being protective and preemptive. You are saying, “No” I will not allow this child to be abused anymore” and you then are stepping between the child and perpetrator and helping to prevent future abuse. I understand that many think and believe that if you report abuse to CPS, they will come and take the children away. CPS looks at every case individually. They examine the severity of the abuse, the duration, the type of abuse, the age of those involved, how long people knew the abuse was occurring, etc. CPS wants to make sure that the child is being protected from those who seek to use and abuse them to meet their needs. That is why they exist.

Third, it’s important to understand the different types of abuse that are looked at. According to the U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services there are 6 major areas of child abuse and neglect:

1. Physical Abuse
1. Nonaccidental physical injury, ranging from minor bruises to severe fractures or death
2. Sexual abuse
1. Includes activities by a parent or caregiver such as fondling a child’s genitals, penetration, incest, rape, sodomy, indecent exposure, and exploitation through prostitution or the production of pornographic materials.
3. Emotional abuse
1. Also known as psychological abuse
2. A pattern of behavior that impairs a child’s emotional development or sense of self-worth
4. Neglect
1. Failure to provide for physical needs (e.g. food, shelter, supervision, etc,)
2. Failure to provide medical care (medical or mental health treatment)
3. Failure to educate a child or attend to special education needs
4. Failure to provide psychological care, inattention to a child’s emotional needs and or permitting the child to use alcohol or drugs
5. Abandonment
1. A child is considered to be abandoned when a parents’ identity or whereabouts is unknown.
2. Abandonment is a form of neglect
6. Substance abuse
1. Prenatal use of harmful or illicit drugs
2. Manufacturing of drugs in the presence of a child
3. Selling or giving drugs to a child
4. Use of a controlled substance by a caregiver that impairs the caregiver’s ability to adequately care for the child.

You and your kid may not have experienced the above situations, but there are situations that cause parents to ask, “Is this abuse?” and “Should I report it?” I understand your hesitation, especially when the behavior that may be considered abuse is not black and white and doesn’t fit the above definitions. Ask a mental health professional. Take a course in understanding abuse and the signs of abuse. Call CPS and report what you know or suspect. By reporting early, you are ensuring that the child will no longer undergo further abuse, you are advocating for the child’s development emotionally and cognitively and you are helping to potentially decrease the possibility of the child having severe mental health issues later in life.

The bottom line is child abuse is destructive. Children can’t advocate for themselves. Reporting is important. Do not be the person that protects the abuser at the cost of the child.
Early reporting helps the abused and it helps the abuser.

If you would like to read further, check out the link:

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/whatiscan.pdf#page=1&view=Introduction

Christian Bringolf MA LMHC

What can I say about rest?

Well it's something I've never been great at. Even after ten years I'm still learning to rest. Probably even more of a lesson that I'm learning is being content. Somehow those two are inextricably linked. Rest and contentment.


Over the course of the last ten years there has been lots of accomplishment, lots of pain and growth. All of which were and still are blessings by the grace of God. Probably the hardest thing to do is sit be quiet and be content. My mind is constantly moving thinking about the next step or five. But nevertheless this is where God has called me. Being content means I get to actually enjoy what I've accomplished. I get to enjoy what I've bought. I get to enjoy what I've been given.


This concept of contentment has been tremendously helpful for my anxiety and depression. By taking an inventory of my life on what's positive and what God has given me, I'm able to slow down and enjoy the day. This has become an invaluable lesson. My wife has commented that I'm a better husband when I practice contentment. My daughters benefit more from their dad when he is focused on them and not accomplishing or acquiring something all the time.


Rest has been another critical component to my mental health, really overall health. This has been a hard fought lesson. Rest has not been something I do very easily. I've always thought if I wasn't doing something, I was being lazy. This thinking has led to me being more tired, getting sick more often, being angry, having no energy to do anything.


So, here I sit writing this piece while celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary. I can officially say that I rest better and practice contentment more often, but certainly have more to learn. Rest and contentment is a choice and not something to be approached from an obligatory place. You get to rest, not you have to rest. You get to be content, not you have to be content.


Is it possible that when you shift your thinking to choose to rest and be content you impact your anxiety and depression in a positive way? Possibly? Maybe there's not a one-size-fits all answer to this, but should be an on-going dialogue.


Well, that's all for now. Till next time


Take care


Christian Bringolf MA LMHC

My goal is to always write from the heart and to incorporate professional knowledge and personal conviction. I have been very passionate and determined to write as much as I can on anxiety when it comes to the Christian faith. This picture of someone having a theology like a vending machine has been something that I have been thinking on for sometime. It hasn't been until now that I have been able to make a connection with that illustration and the very real issue of anxiety.


What do we know of vending machines? They're big metal boxes located in convenient places with a variety of snacks that are a quick fix and will temporarily fill you up. Provided you have the money, you usually have at least 10 different options to choose from. The commitment and price is low enough for many people to not think twice about purchasing a candy bar or bag of chips. After all, it's like what....a $1.25-$1.50 for chips. Nothing that's going to break the bank or cost you lots of time.


What do we know about anxiety? Anxiety can happen for many reasons which include divorce, drug use, abuse, chemical imbalances, improper body functioning, death of a loved one, loss of a job, etc. Anxiety can create feelings of despair, worry, hopelessness, thoughts of suicide. Anxiety can push people into isolation and loneliness. Often times good professional counseling and medication are required for stabilization.


So how does a vending machine and anxiety connect? Helping someone with anxiety, chronic anxiety is tough and there are no easy answers. It takes commitment and sacrifice. Unfortunately, many Christians adopt a "vending machine" approach to helping the person with anxiety. It is easy to give a verse out, pat yourself on the back and say,


"I did my Christian duty. If they don't change it's because they don't want to and aren't trusting Jesus enough."


Vending machine theology doesn't require heavy commitment. It requires minimal understanding of who Christ is, doesn't cost a lot in time and won't be all that sacrificial. This theological approach is not dissimilar from believing in magic tricks. Just say the magic words and you'll get the desired outcome and if no change happens, blame it on the individual you are carelessly throwing verses at. This approach is lazy, unkind, lacks grace and any understanding of what anxiety is and what the person with anxiety is going through.


As a believer in Christ, our duty is to love those who suffer all afflictions and walk with them for as long as we can. Don't just throw verses at someone with anxiety, be in their life, walk with them through their emotions, show them Christ in your actions and words. Be a student of God's word. Understand his character and promises. by doing this you'll be an incredible testament to God's power and grace and a blessing to those with anxiety.


Christian Bringolf MA LMHC

I’ve had the privilege of sitting and sharing in the lives of many married couples.  These couples come to counseling for many reasons, but the most common one is bad communication.  Not because the they somehow lack the ability to talk at one another, but rather they don’t understand how the other is defining words like honesty, trust, love, respect, sexual intimacy.  I find that many couples will work hard on their communication issues and see progress, but still be stuck.  They are often stuck because they refuse to acknowledge a major core issue and that is sexual intimacy.

Sex is a significant part of marriage where each spouse gets to connect in one of the most vulnerable and sacrificial ways possible.  This however, is an area that many husbands and wives find themselves stuck and deeply hurt in.  Sexual intimacy is something that is cultivated over a long period of time.  It requires patience, sacrifice, prayer and being teachable.

Unfortunately, many spouses have been hurt through sex with one another and do not want to pursue reconciliation either because they don’t want to or know how to.  Because this is a pattern for many husbands and wives, it can leave them in very dangerous territory.  When there is a lack of intentional sexual intimacy and pursuit on the husband’s end, the wife will feel empty and desire an emotional connection.  This is often where emotional affairs begin with another man.  A husband should always be considering, “how do I pursue my wife in a way that serves her and provides for her emotionally.”

When a husband lacks healthy sexual intimacy from his wife it opens the door for cognitive distortions.  A husband may believe that he is physically unattractive, a bad sexual partner or has some other deficits.  Due to this perceived rejection a husband will often turn to porn to satisfy him.  Unfortunately, many wives are OK with this.

The difficulty in a wife being ok with her husband looking at porn, is that it only serves to create an unrealistic expectation for how sexual intimacy should happen.  Secondly, the husband will little by little not find his wife attractive unless she is doing what he sees on the computer screen. What used to excite the husband sexually has become more and more twisted.  This is not unlike a drug or alcohol addiction.  The first time you get high or drunk, it doesn’t take that much, but to achieve that same feeling each time after, it requires more and more.
I want to give some practical suggestions for husbands and wives as well as anyone who is walking with a married couple through this situation.

1. Husbands, it is intensely sacrificial and vulnerable for a wife to give herself in sexual intimacy. Value this, acknowledge this and listen to her.

2. Wives, just because your husband wants sex all the time, doesn’t mean they are an animal. Do not encourage your husband to look at porn because you are mad at him for not anticipating your needs.

3. Frequency doesn’t equal quality. More sex doesn’t always mean a closer marriage and better foundation.  If you are walking with someone who is having marriage problems in this area, be mindful that your advice is not, “just have more sex”.  You need to be aware that for some married couples there may be present medical conditions making it hard to have sex.  Additionally, be aware that there may be sexual trauma in the marriage that is causing a barrier.

4. Husbands and wives teach each other how to be sexually intimate.  As you get older you can’t rely on how you viewed sex and sexual intimacy like you did in your 20s.  When you’ve been married for some time you have to show humility and be willing to accept that you don’t know everything.

Finally be gracious with one another, be slow and intentional.  Don’t give up and rest on your assumptions that your husband or wife is rejecting you.  Share your needs and wants and be in prayer together.  Husbands and wives, pursue each other and by doing so you increase the possibility of having a healthy marriage and fun together.

So you’ve decided to go to counseling...
 
I want to encourage you that this a good thing. Something that you shouldn’t be ashamed of.  Think of it as going to the gym to improve your cardio and overall physical health.  Counseling is that thing that allows you to address aspects of your life in an objective environment without the speculation and judgement from subjective relationships.  Using the gym analogy again, is it wrong to improve your cardio health? Is it wrong to increase your strength from weight lifting?

No.

Maybe you’ve had a doctor or someone you know in your life express concern for your physical health and tell you to get in the gym.  Well going to a therapist should be no different, you get to address distortions, lies and various other mental health issues you may be living with.
Everyone likes being able to be someone that fixes themselves.  The reality is you can’t “fix” yourself without help. 
Now to answer a question that you may have had, “Am I crazy because I need counseling?”

No.

We all need maintenance in our lives physically and mentally. You don’t need to be ashamed of seeking counseling.
You may have questions as to what to expect in counseling and if you don’t, you should.  Questions are good to have for your therapist, because not every therapist will connect with you. 
Know what type of issue you have that is prompting you to seek counseling (i.e. depression, anxiety, trauma, grief/loss, marriage, communication, etc.).

Know what type of therapist you work well with and why. Do you work better with a male or female therapist? Do you need a therapist who will listen more or do you need a therapist who will help provide direction?
Know what per-conceived ideas you have coming to counseling with.  Often your ideas about counseling will be influenced heavily by friends and family who have been to therapy.  If these therapeutic experiences have been negative for your friends or family that will influence how you look at therapy.

Therapy is about working with you and where you’re at, not about fitting you into a prescribed therapeutic box.  For this reason, therapy can feel not always linear and may require several session to determine how a therapist will work with you.

Know that not all therapists approach the same issue of depression from the same angle.  Therapists like to use a wide array of therapeutic focuses (i.e. Cognitive Behavior Theory, Psycho-dynamic Theory, Family Systems, DBT, etc.)  These approaches are not meant to confuse you, but rather frame how the therapist will work with you.  That is why it is good for you to ask what the therapist’s approach is.  Is it singular or is it eclectic?
I want you to know I support you in seeking therapy for yourself.  What you are doing is a courageous and humble thing to do.  I say courage, because there is darkness in everyone’s life that can be scary to face and I say humble because coming to therapy is you saying “I can’t do this on my own and I would like some help.”
Keep moving forward, you are doing a good job

We all have dealt with someone in our lives that needs professional help, but won't accept it or go get it. By professional help, I mean psychotherapy.  These people are usually friends, co-workers or family.  Often times family members are the hardest to handle, because there are all kinds of blurred lines on how to care for them.
 
For most of this blog post, I will be focusing on family members who need professional help and the family members who to try to help them.
 
Family is a wonderfully complex messy thing. Some of our most memorable moments (positive and negative) are with family.
 
Unfortunately there is more often than not one family member that requires help beyond what a family can offer/give. 
 
We all have family and should attempt to be involved in their lives. That being said there are individuals that simply don't want professional help for one reason or another. Maybe they don't think that they're that bad. Maybe they don't want to be viewed as crazy or maybe they are relying on other family members to handle their instability.  Whichever the case may be, it is exhausting trying to help a family member who doesn't want to be helped.
 
I want to suggest several ways to help in this type of situation:

1. Step out of the way: don't be presumptuous and think you are the only one that can help. There are many many others out there that may be of more help than you.

1. Know your limitations: you don't have infinite amount of energy. Be realistic.  You can't give yourself 100% to a needy family member and simultaneously take care of all your other responsibilities.

1. Set boundaries: you give an inch, a mile will be taken. Family members who need help, that won't seek help often don't do so because family is already meeting their needs, but not in a healthy way. Recognize when helping is really enabling.

1. Say "No": understand that saying "no" may be the best kind of help and love that a needy stubborn family member may require.

1. Stop being crazy: if you're feeling crazy by helping a needy family member, stop, end the pursuit that's making you go insane. You can't control anyone other than yourself.

1. Willingness: recognize that an individual (family member or friend) has to be willing to get real professional help for change to happen.  You can pray for them, cry with them, talk with them, slam your fist against the wall with them and pull your hair out; until they are willing to get professional help they will, along with you be circling cul-de-sac.

 
I understand that these may be harsh words for some to hear and they will struggle with thought that they may be standing in the way of their family member or friend getting the help they. But good intentions are no substitute for good competent professional help. 
 
We are not meant to be able to help absolutely everyone and know how to function within a crisis. Some of us know how to do this better than others.
 
It is humility to recognize that you cannot always help and it is healthy to create boundaries so you don't experience burnout and can't take care of yourself.

What is healthy and normal when it comes to communication in marriage?
 
This is a question that I frequently find myself asking. This is a question that spouses often ask and rationalize that the way they communicate is normal and "all" married people communicate the same way.
 
I want to suggest several communication habits that are not healthy nor are they normal:
 

1. Yelling and screaming at your spouse-this particular way of communicating is not healthy as it often is trying to be domineering and controlling.
2. Bitterness-this feeling, emotion can come from unresolved or perceived hurts and wrongs. Bitterness can persist because it is powerful; this is a form of power that can be tempting for a spouse  to hold over the other. Bitterness is not normal. Many couples may be there, but that does not mean it is normal.
3. Passive Aggressive-saying everything is alright to your spouse, but behaving in an aggressive defensive manner towards them without explanation is not healthy. This behavior does not promote reconciliation or restoration. This behavior promotes erosion of the foundation of whatever the marriage is built on.
4. Cussing and calling names-words carry weight. When a spouse chooses to use demeaning language they are communicating that the other is worthless. Calling names does only one thing, tear down, destroy.  This is not normal or healthy communication behavior.

 
It is paramount that marital communication have grace, forgiveness and humility. Marriage is not a formula, where if you follow a specific equation you will end up with the same outcome each time. People come from all kinds of upbringings and can have complex baggage.  What you've been through is different than what you're spouse has been through and the same is true for other married couples. There may be similarities in your stories, but there are still unique differences.
 
You cannot control your spouse, but you can show grace. You can forgive and you can be humble, over and over and over again. This has all the possibilities of producing friendship, genuine love, authentic companionship and a strong marriage.