What's Healthy and Normal?

What is healthy and normal when it comes to communication in marriage?
 
This is a question that I frequently find myself asking. This is a question that spouses often ask and rationalize that the way they communicate is normal and "all" married people communicate the same way.
 
I want to suggest several communication habits that are not healthy nor are they normal:
 

1. Yelling and screaming at your spouse-this particular way of communicating is not healthy as it often is trying to be domineering and controlling.
2. Bitterness-this feeling, emotion can come from unresolved or perceived hurts and wrongs. Bitterness can persist because it is powerful; this is a form of power that can be tempting for a spouse  to hold over the other. Bitterness is not normal. Many couples may be there, but that does not mean it is normal.
3. Passive Aggressive-saying everything is alright to your spouse, but behaving in an aggressive defensive manner towards them without explanation is not healthy. This behavior does not promote reconciliation or restoration. This behavior promotes erosion of the foundation of whatever the marriage is built on.
4. Cussing and calling names-words carry weight. When a spouse chooses to use demeaning language they are communicating that the other is worthless. Calling names does only one thing, tear down, destroy.  This is not normal or healthy communication behavior.

 
It is paramount that marital communication have grace, forgiveness and humility. Marriage is not a formula, where if you follow a specific equation you will end up with the same outcome each time. People come from all kinds of upbringings and can have complex baggage.  What you've been through is different than what you're spouse has been through and the same is true for other married couples. There may be similarities in your stories, but there are still unique differences.
 
You cannot control your spouse, but you can show grace. You can forgive and you can be humble, over and over and over again. This has all the possibilities of producing friendship, genuine love, authentic companionship and a strong marriage.

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